I just devoured an entire family-sized bag of honey dijon kettle chips. There goes my “diet” plan. My compulsive eating GDI ┻━┻︵╰(°□°)╯︵┻━┻

Okay I have to lose 12-15 pounds within the next month and a half to prepare for my sister’s wedding. Now how to do that without exercise or dieting

I’d say “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” It brings back rather embarrassing memories of my so-called “grunge” phase in middle school where I listened to Live105 and The Bone almost 24/7 and my obsession with Kurt Cobain and my Hot Topic studded belts and “trendy” dirt-ridden Converse and Vans. I was such a try-hard back then ahaha. What the hell was I thinking

My foremost regret is the passivity I held in regards to everything in my life. I’ve never handled anything with much gusto. And things that do manage to pique my interest would just as quickly lose their appeal, joining the other immeasurable number of things I deem prosaic and unworthy of my interest. It’s as if I’m suspended within this perpetual stupor of listlessness and indifference. It’s not until I’m backed into a corner within an inch of my breath that I act, and begrudgingly so. The will is just not there for me. I’d rather just lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling for two or more hours than work on that research paper due the next morning. My adage has been “it’ll work itself out one way or another,” and it has served as a means of self-justification for my wayward lack of motivation and resolution. My entire adolescence is marked by a self-inflicted lethargic cloud of ennui. I didn’t care enough…I just couldn’t care, as much as I wanted to. And hence now, as I exit my high school career, I move on without having established a point of interest, an imprint on those around me. I leave with no lasting traces of my remembrance, imparting only a fleeting remnant of my memory that is soon to be forgotten, much like all the things that I myself had left behind out of disinterest. 

wait it’s 4:04 AM. WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN DOING BEING AWAKE

Ah great. Now I only have 4 hours of sleep left. Why do I do this to myself

Can’t say I hated any teachers. But my least favorite would probably be my freshman year maestra Mrs. C and maybe my music teacher Mrs. T, all for reasons pertaining to their teaching ability. They’re both pretty nice people, but I can’t say I’ve acquired much from their classes. And that’s a large problem with the education at my school. I don’t think I’ve had a single teacher who didn’t seem at least partially jaded and who actually gave off a passionate persona for their job. Many of them seem like they just want to get it over and done with. But it’s a two way street. The students aren’t exactly enthusiastic about learning much either, which probably includes myself. I’m just glad I’m off to college where I anticipate the greater diversity will increase the likelihood of meeting people with such a drive and motivation, of which will hopefully rub off on me. 

what is this…”studied” thing you speak of?

Every few days in lieu of actual text posts detailing my daily non-adventures, I’m going to just make a bulleted list of things I’ve noticed throughout the day. Commonplace or extraordinary, doesn’t matter. 

Things I noticed today:

• the house is quiet without my mom gone
• I haven’t had my period in 2 or more months
• I have a giant suspicious mole in the middle of my back 
• Mr. Brown is a nice man and his scars are cool
• I suck at math
• my dad is a surprisingly good cook
• I’ve gained 2 more pounds
• nutella shouldn’t be microwaved
• grapes with seeds in them are painfully annoying

I can’t think of anything. Usually, when I expect myself to never do a certain something, it’s usually because it seems unpleasant, and I end up mostly (if not always) right in my presumption. So I’d say my intuition is pretty sound. 

The closest I’d say is when I tried one of my sister’s sandwiches. She is notorious for being a terrible cook, so I was a bit hesitant to eat it. But I had no choice since it was my only option for dinner and I was desperately hungry. Surprisingly it ended up being pretty delicious. Or I don’t know, maybe I was so hungry my taste buds’ sensibilities were being deluded. (It was an avocado tomato egg sandwich btw).